Kisame and Itachi's Semi Excellent Adventures
by Qaddafi the Ripper
Summary: Join Shark chan and Weasel chan in their random, humorous, bloody, and occasionally sexy adventures as they try to cope on the measly salaries provided by Akatsuki.
1. Adventures in Eating Out!

**Kisame and Itachi's Semi-Excellent Adventures**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Join Shark-chan and Weasel-chan in their random, humorous, bloody, and occasionally sexy adventures as they try to cope on the measly salaries provided by Akatsuki.  
**Disclaimer:** That "sexy" part in the summary should prove it ain't Kishimoto writing this. 

Pre-fic ramble: Oh, please, as if you didn't already know that I'm insane. This fic was inevitable. I also blame this on spacetart and merichan and others who wrote fics that slowly made Shark/Weasel my Naruto OTP. You guys suck. But in a good way. This episode doesn't have any blatant OTPing, but future parts (if I ever get to them) will. 

Also note that this fic has been given a rating of M (equivalent to R) because of themes, inappropriate humor, and possible slashly scenes in later parts. Consider yourself forewarned.

* * *

**Part One:** Adventures in Eating Out! Because even villains like good food. 

Kisame's stomach growled loudly. He glanced down, somewhat embarrassed. "I guess we should stop for dinner soon," he said aloud. Itachi ignored him. Not that that was anything unusual. "If I remember right, there should be a town not too far ahead. Let's stop there tonight so we can eat," he suggested. 

Once again, he was roundly ignored. But since Itachi hadn't actually said no, that meant they could stop at the next town. Kisame's stomach rumbled again and his mouth started to water in anticipation. He hoped the town had a good seafood restaurant. 

Fortunately for his poor, deprived tummy, they reached the town within an hour. The town was quite large and the streets were filled with people. Kisame winced slightly. Regular towns and cities were nothing like the ninja villages. These places were noisy, smelly, and too crowded. It almost made him wish he could go back to Hidden Mist. 

Since he'd been here before and vaguely recalled the layout, Kisame went first through the crowds, Itachi a silent shadow behind him. People who saw that they were ninjas moved to get out of their way, and those who noticed the scratch through the insignia on their forehead protectors and realized it meant they were missing-nin got out of their way even faster. But in a crowd this tightly packed, they still only made somewhat better time than everyone else. It was annoying, but it was all part of being in a large town. 

He recognized that gaudy house over there to the side --with coloring like that, it'd be hard to forget --so they should go straight for three? four? blocks and then turn left. Or was it right? 

Kisame was hit by the sudden realization that he had no idea how to get to that nice restaurant. Well, it had been over three years and he'd only been there once. He conveniently ignored the fact that, as an experienced and talented shinobi, he should have remembered the layout of the town. 

Besides, if he wandered around long enough, he was bound to find it at some point. 

Or at least that had been the original idea. So far it wasn't working so well. They'd been walking around town for almost an hour, and Kisame had now seen that same corner house five times, and the naughty goods store ten times (which had to be a freak coincidence), and the fruit market six times. And there were a group of kids laughing at him from across the street even though they'd only passed the kids four times. He felt the urge to kill someone or something rising. 

"I think we're lost," Itachi finally spoke up. 

Kisame scowled. "We're not lost," he insisted. "I've been here before. I know where I'm going." 

"This is the eighth time we've passed that ramen stand," Itachi countered. "There is no seafood restaurant." 

"Yes there is! I remember going to it when I was here three years ago! And I'll prove it!" Kisame strode into the ramen stand, refusing to look at his partner. "Sir," he hailed the owner. The man looked up expectantly. "I remember there being a nice seafood restaurant in this town. Could you please help me find it?" 

"I thought you knew where you were going," Itachi muttered. Kisame resisted the urge to glower back at him. 

The owner frowned and scratched his chin. "Hmm... don't recall any particularly popular seafood joints 'round here..." 

One of the customers at the stand looked up with a grin. "You sure you aren't just saying that so they won't give a competitor business?" 

"Deliberately keeping me away form seafood?" Kisame whispered in horror. "Such a crime cannot go unpunished." He pulled his samehada off his back and addressed the owner again. "Give me directions or I'll chop off your leg." 

The man went pale. "Down the street, the second right, then the third left. It's another block down on the left. You can't miss it." 

Kisame put his sword back with a flourish. He hoped those brats across the street had noticed. "Thank you. If it isn't there, I shall be coming back here." He grinned, showing off his pointy teeth. The ramen stand owner nodded frantically. Kisame headed down the street, followed by Itachi, who was now thoroughly exasperated. He bared his teeth again as he passed close to where the brats were standing. The kids shrank back and Kisame began to feel better. 

He took the second right, and then the third left. They hadn't been down this street before, but it looked vaguely familiar. Sure enough, after another block, Kisame could see the seafood restaurant that he recalled from three years ago. "Jii-chan's Lobster Shack." Kisame drooled in anticipation. He noticed distractedly that the building was larger and fancier than it had been when he last was here. 

He walked into the restaurant to find it already filled with the dinner crowd. While he was glad the restaurant was popular so it stayed in business, he wished there were less people here so he

A man dressed in a fancy outfit was taking names of groups as they entered. Kisame wondered just how popular this place had become --there hadn't been a maitre d' when he was last here. He also wondered if their limited funds could cover a meal here. Being in Akatsuki was badass and evil and all, but the pay was mediocre at best. 

The maitre d' looked up to see Kisame and Itachi, his eyes raking over them carefully, not missing a single detail. A very faint frown appeared, but was quickly smoothed over. Snob, Kisame thought. There were times he wished he wasn't a missing-nin --or at least didn't openly proclaim that he was a missing-nin. "A table for two, gentlemen?" the man asked in a snooty voice. "It will be a twenty to thirty minute wait." 

Kisame leaned down till his face was inches away from the other's face. "That's about twenty to thirty minutes too long," he told the maitre d' cheerfully. 

The man didn't back down or even flinch. "You gentlemen will have to either wait in line or go somewhere else. Other establishments might cater to ninjas, but we certainly do not. Especially," he sneered, "not missing-nin." 

"And how do you plan to stand up to those words, sir?" Kisame asked. A fun little scuffle before dinner was just the thing to work up an appetite. 

Itachi sighed and pretended he didn't know Kisame. 

"This town in under the protection of Hidden Grass Village," the maitre d' replied, cool as could be. "I'm sure the good, law abiding ninja of Hidden Grass will be more than willing to hunt down two criminals." 

"They'd try to hunt us down," Kisame grinned. "But they won't know that there's a problem." 

Two minutes later Kisame and Itachi had a table on the second floor next to the window, giving them a lovely view of the sun setting over the rooftops. As for the maitre d', his remains were found a week later when the janitor went to investigate the strange smell coming from the old broom closet next to the men's room. 

Kisame picked up his menu (pilfered on the way back from the men's room) and began inspecting the selection. It was so hard to decide what to order since everything looked good. While he was still debating, their waiter arrived. He placed a glass of water down in front of each of them. 

"Good evening, sirs," the young man said politely. "Our soups today are clam chowder, cream of broccoli, and shark fin. May I take your drink orders while you're deciding?" He flipped out a pad of paper and poised his pen over it in anticipation. 

Kisame's eyes widened. "You have shark fin soup?" he demanded in horror. 

The waiter, completely missing his tone, nodded. "Yes sir. It's considered to be quite a delicacy." Kisame twitched. The waiter continued, "It's very tasty and, despite what recent investigations may suggest, not at all dangerous to your health. Look, the people sitting next to you ordered shark fin soup." He pointed. 

Kisame turned around. Sure enough, the man had a bowl in front of him that contained a distinct shark fin. And the color of the fin reminded him of... "Great-uncle Keisuke!" Kisame exclaimed. "Is that you?" He jumped up out of his seat, snatched the bowl from the table just as the man was going to take a bite, and cradled it tenderly in his arms. "It is you, it is! Oh, just look what you've been reduced to! Poor, poor great-uncle Keisuke!" 

Itachi pretended he didn't know Kisame again. 

"What are you doing with my soup?" the man demanded angrily. 

Kisame looked down on him, his sadness suddenly turning to anger. "You ate my great-uncle Keisuke!" he yelled loudly enough for the whole restaurant to hear. "How dare you? Taste my vengeance!" Holding the remains of the soup carefully in his left hand, he pulled his samehada from where he'd left it propped up next to his chair and with one smooth stroke split the man in two. Blood splattered all over Kisame, the floor, and the man's table, ruining what food hadn't been eaten yet. 

The man's female companion screamed, and the waiter cowered back in horror. Kisame casually put his sword back down and sat. He pet the soup dish gently. "Don't worry, great-uncle Keisuke. I'll see that you get a proper burial." He turned back to the trembling waiter. Pointing to his menu, he said, "I'll have this, and this, and this, and this--" 

He was interrupted by a loud thump. He looked up to see that the waiter was sprawled out on his back, passed out. Kisame sighed and turned to his partner. "The service here was so much better three years ago. It must be under new management." 

"That's the second person you've killed since we got here," Itachi pointed out. "If you don't slow down, we'll never get something to eat." 

Kisame made a face. That wouldn't do at all; he was hungry now. He picked up his water glass and emptied it over the waiter's face. The young man woke up spluttering. Upon waking, the first thing he saw was Kisame looking down at him. The waiter screamed like a little girl. 

There were times when it didn't pay to be evil, Kisame reflected. He grabbed the waiter by the front of his shirt and jerked him up. "Look," he said, trying to be patient, "we just want to eat. Please bring us some food, and we won't cause any more trouble." The waiter nodded pitifully and scrambled to his feet. Kisame repeated his order and Itachi gave his. The waiter glanced at the table next to theirs, which was drawing stares from all the other customers too (probably due to the blood), and then dashed off. 

Rather not to his surprise, their food arrived very quickly, the plates vibrating visibly in the waiter's shaking hands. "Please enjoy your meal," the waiter squeaked after putting down his burdens and then scampered off at a fairly impressive speed. Kisame focused on his food, broke apart his chopsticks, and happily dug in. 

Though many things about this restaurant had changed (and before now, Kisame would have firmly said that all those changes were for the worse, and not just because he'd been feeling nostalgic since reaching this town), the food was excellent, and that was the most important thing after all. As he cleaned off his last dish (Mother had brought him up to be a good boy who always cleaned off his plate before asking to be excused from the table), he wondered if he should order a few more dishes to go. Food this good would taste even better after a few days on the road. And, since Itachi could be such a sour-puss at times, he'd likely not have to share any of his food. 

He held up a hand to flag down their waiter, who appeared beside their table, shielding himself inadequately with his tray. "Would you gentlemen like anything else tonight?" he gasped out between shaky breathes. 

You had to hand it to the restaurant's employee training, when a waiter could call you a gentleman even while fearing actively for his life. Kisame ordered about ten more dishes to go, while Itachi was starting to look rather bored. When the waiter made his final appearance with the extra food, neatly packed in four separate doggy bags, he looked even more frightened. He held out a piece of paper in a hand that trembled with seismic intensity. "Your... your bill, sirs." He stammered and then, not being a complete idiot, fled for his life. 

Kisame gazed at the bill warily before picking it up, holding it carefully between two fingers as if it were something toxic, or at least fairly disgusting. His eyes traveled to the bottom line and he barely stifled a gasp. "You didn't notice the prices before ordering, did you?" Itachi asked dryly. Kisame pretended he hadn't heard him. 

What was he going to do? This was the same as the salary he got from Akatsuki for a whole month's work. The place hadn't been nearly this expensive last time he'd been here. He considered his options. He could pay the bill, and then have no money for the next three weeks or so. He could pay part of the bill, and hope their waiter was too afraid of him to make a big deal out of it. Or, and here he started to feel the nervousness of one who knows they're planning to do something very wrong, they could pull a dine-and-dash. 

He decided to consult his partner. "Itachi-san, how much money do you have?" 

"Not enough to pay that bill," Itachi replied. 

Kisame glanced to the side. They were sitting next to a large bay window and they were only on the second floor. And across the street was a low building that had a very firm-looking roof. The two of them could easily get out of here and away before anyone was the wiser. He offered his partner a hopeful smile. "Itachi-san, how do you feel about some after dinner exercise?" he asked, picking up the precious bowl that contains the remains of his dear great-uncle Keisuke. 

Itachi sighed and reluctantly followed Kisame's lead, while mentally promising himself that, in the future, he'd do a better job of pretending he didn't know Kisame. 

Just as they broke the window in a shower of glass (which fortunately didn't hit any other customers, since no one wanted to sit next to them after that incident with the soup), their waiter walked by. "No!" he wailed. "If you run, your bill will be deducted from my paycheck!" 

"Sorry!" Kisame called. "No hard feelings, okay? Don't try to follow us." And he jumped out the window after Itachi. Behind him, their waiter lunged after him, trying to grab the edge of Kisame's cloak. He was, however, patently not a ninja, so not only did he not manage to grab Kisame in time, but he also tripped over the edge of the window, cut himself on a large shard of glass, and then fell out of the window to land on the street below. 

Across the street, Kisame glanced backwards and noted the unnatural angle of the waiter's neck. "He didn't take my tip," he noted. 

Loud screams erupted from the restaurant as the two quickly made their get-away. "I can't go anywhere with you, can I?" Itachi sighed.

* * *

Tune in next time for: Adventures in Nail Polish! Because by now everyone has wondered about that.  
Current random Original Character death count: 3 


	2. Adventures in Nail Polish!

**Kisame and Itachi's Semi-Excellent Adventures**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Join Shark-chan and Weasel-chan in their random, humorous, bloody, and occasionally sexy adventures as they try to cope on the measly salaries provided by Akatsuki.  
**Disclaimer:** "Sexy" is still in the summary, so you can still assume I'm not Kishimoto.

* * *

**Part Two:** Adventures in Nail Polish! Because by now we've all wondered why. 

A multitude towered before him. There was a seemingly endless number of different sizes, different brands, different shapes, and, most importantly and most challenging, different colors.

Kisame frowned in intense concentration. Then he held his right hand out in front of him as a comparison. To his dismay, he still couldn't tell the difference between the twenty different shades of purple nail-polish. Not to mention the purple-red combination, the purple-blue combination, the blue-purple combination (and there was a significant difference between those two, according to Deidara, who could always be counted on to know these things), the dark purple, the light purple, the lavender (again, two very different colors, or so said Deidara), and the purple with green in it (1).

As a warrior, a ninja, and a man, Kisame disliked having to admit defeat. But reality was something that couldn't be changed and Kisame liked to think he was mature enough to recognize his short-comings and do something about them. Or at least know where to get help.

He turned to his partner. "Which shade is it we want again, Itachi-san?" he asked.

Itachi sighed. "We want shade number 13 of purple by Colours for Real Men (2). It's the same shade we always get."

Kisame searched the display of nail-polish for a few minutes before locating the appropriate one in the largest bottle available. Nail-polish went quickly when shared between two people, after all. He held up his hand next to it and squinted. It did look like the same color as he currently had on, but so did every other bottle on display. He was forced to conclude that nail-polish color was one thing he would never understand. Fortunately, Akatsuki had paired him up with Itachi, who understood these things almost as well as Deidara did. Otherwise, he'd be permanently out of uniform.

He glanced at the price on the bottle and cringed. As he did every time on these little shopping ventures, Kisame considered the possibility of wearing shoes with closed toes. Then he wouldn't have to paint his toenails and no one would be the wiser. Unfortunately, Akatsuki strongly recommended zori, which he was very attached to in any case. So he supposed it was a moot issue. At least Akatsuki was decent enough to give refunds for money spent on uniform and weapons purchase and upkeep.

When he finally paid for his purchase, the lady smiled and told him it was cute that he was shopping with his girlfriend. Kisame smiled back and thanked her properly, mentally wondering what she was talking about. The only person anywhere near him was Itachi, who was debating whether or not to get nail-polish remover. (They did end up getting the nail-polish remover too, since they had a tendency to get blood under their nails, so they had to thoroughly remove the nail-polish currently on before applying any new layers. Itachi also said that not removing the old first was bad for the nails.)

As they slowly walked out of the store and back to the inn they were staying at that night, a passer-by called out that they made a cute couple. Kisame frowned, but he supposed the person must have mistaken Itachi for a girl. A somewhat understandable mistake; the long Akatsuki cloaks they both wore obscured most of their body shapes. But if that was all, how come Itachi got wolf-whistles and indecent propositions and Kisame didn't?

Maybe his features, which he knew were unlike anyone else's who wasn't from Hidden Mist, drove off potential admirers. He contemplated this as they continued to walk.

His thoughts were interrupted, however, when a clearly drunk man sauntered up to them. "Hey, babe," he addressed Itachi. The form of address made Itachi's eyebrow twitch ever so slightly. It was one of the few ways you could tell Itachi was starting to get angry. Kisame shifted a little further away from his partner. "Why don'cha ditch that loser--" he gestured vaguely towards Kisame "--and have some with a real man instead?"

"Go away," Itachi said in his flattest tone. Kisame took another step away.

"Aww, c'mon. I've got some real hot lovin' jus' fer you." The man leered blearily, so drunk that he didn't even notice the shuriken to his gut until he was already lying on the ground. He managed one last, pitiful moan before he died.

Kisame grinned and delicately stepped past, making sure he didn't get any blood on him. Itachi retrieved his shuriken, and the rest of the walk back to the inn had no more bad pick-up lines.

They were staying at a rather grungy inn that night. Places like this, which they frequented far too often, made Kisame consider getting a part-time job on the side. Poverty just wasn't his thing. Or maybe he could shake down some little kids for their lunch money.

Kisame claimed the bathroom first, letting Itachi raid the kitchen (translation: steal food while the chefs weren't watching, a very advanced ninja technique) this time. When they were both finished, Kisame started on dinner while Itachi pulled out the nail-polish remover. Their policy was that whoever had their bath first got the new coat of polish first (since neither wanted to paint smelly feet). Then they'd switch positions.

He popped some mochi into his mouth and stuck out his right foot (recently relieved of its old nail-polish), and Itachi pulled out the bottle in order to put the new stuff on. Kisame had opened the window earlier, as very few things smelt worse than nail-polish remover. They always had to hope that they didn't need to go sneaking around after dolling themselves up; an enemy could smell them a kilometer or more away.

Before Itachi could start painting, someone knocked loudly on their door. Kisame frowned and griped his sword, just in case. "Who is it?" he called.

The door opened to reveal an irate man in a yukata, looking like he just came from his bath. He glared at Kisame and Itachi fiercely. "What is that horrible smell?" he demanded.

"Nail-polish remover," Itachi told him flatly, voice typically devoid of emotion.

"Well do it somewhere else!" the man snapped. "It's making the whole inn smell!" He snorted. "Why are two men--" Itachi had abandoned his cloak, so his gender was now readily apparent "--painting their toe-nails anyway? That's really gay."

Kisame frowned. "That's not a very nice thing to say, sir. I think any type of make-up can be quite manly, when applied correctly."

"What are you on about, you queer?" the man sneered. "You freaks."

"Excuse me for just one moment, Itachi-san," Kisame said. Mere seconds later, he was sitting back down, their door was closed, and the body had been disposed of in the dumpster in the parking lot. He sighed in content. The scent of blood pleasantly overwhelmed the scent of nail-polish remover.

He presented his right foot to Itachi again. After a moment, Itachi asked, "You really don't think having painted nails is gay?"

"No," Kisame replied with complete honesty. "I saw weirder things in Hidden Mist Village. Some chuunin a few years older than me wore a ball gown with sequins and lacy ribbons on a mission once. After that, nothing seems bad." He paused, then chuckled. "Besides, if people think you're some kind of freaky wimp, then you have an extra advantage. I'm sure you know all about that, Itachi-san."

Itachi frowned. "What do you mean?" Although his voice was still as dull as usual, Kisame thought he sounded a little hurt.

"You're awfully pretty for a guy," he pointed out. "The ponytail doesn't help."

Itachi put the bottle down and fingered his hair somewhat protectively. "I like my hair the way it is," he protested.

"I like it too," Kisame assured him quickly. "But some people, who don't know better because they have no experience with ninja, thinks it makes you girly, and, therefore, wimpy. They've clearly never met a kunoichi." He thought back to some of the formidable females he'd run into in the past, although he did let his mind's eye linger on their breasts.

Itachi's expression lightened ever so slightly. He released his hair and went back to Kisame's feet. Kisame felt vaguely pleased that he'd made Itachi feel better. He remembered what he'd been thinking about earlier. "Itachi-san, do you think I'm good looking?" he asked.

There was a long pause. Finally, Itachi said, "You look very... unique. Which can be a good thing."

"Yes, I like being one of a kind," Kisame agreed. "Well, my siblings looked a lot like me, but I ate them shortly after we were hatched. Mama was ever so proud of me." He wiped away a tear brought on by the memory. Then he mentally reviewed precisely what Itachi had said. "You didn't say whether or not being unique was good in _my_ case," he pointed out.

By now, Itachi had moved onto his left foot. "You're unique in a good way," he assured him. Then he added, so quietly that Kisame could barely hear him, "I think you're good looking."

Kisame smiled happily and leaned back. He decided to be nice and not comment on Itachi's admission. It was a good night, despite the scent of nail-polish remover, which was beginning to drown out the smell of blood. It was, he decided, a good time to be alive, to be a ninja, and to be a villain.

* * *

Notes:  
1. the purple with green in it is octarine.  
2. Colours for Real Men is obviously a British company.  
Random Original Character Death Count: 2 this chapter, 5 total  
Next time: Adventures in Orochimaru! So many wrong things with that title... 


	3. Adventures in Orochimaru!

**Kisame and Itachi's Semi-Excellent Adventures**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Join Shark-chan and Weasel-chan in their random, humorous, bloody, and occasionally sexy adventures as they try to cope on the measly salaries provided by Akatsuki.  
**Disclaimer:** Yup, "sexy" is still in the summary, so I ain't Kishimoto.  
**Extra Notes:** This is a flashback chapter. The previous two didn't take place in any specific time frame, but this one is when Orochimaru is still part of Akatsuki, around the time Akatsuki is just forming. Also included are spoilers for manga chapters 265 and up.

* * *

**Part 3:** Adventures in Orochimaru! So many wrong things with that title... 

Kisame let his eyes travel over the assembly of ninjas. It was, he thought, a rather motley group. Some he recognized as dangerous criminals from the Bingo Book, like Orochimaru. Others were still kids, and barely looked dangerous at all.

Their little organization had just been fully formed, with nine members total. Their mysterious leader had decided it was better to break them into pairs in order to go about their goals. He was also aware, fortunately, that reaching said goals was something that would take many years, so there was no rush. That was the kind of mission Kisame preferred, although such missions rarely took place, and even more rarely were given to him. It was enough to secure his loyalty to the organization.

What worried him was the partner he'd been assigned. Of all the people in the room, that Itachi kid looked the least dangerous. He must have some skill, of course, and might be infamous in some areas. But Kisame couldn't get over the fact that he didn't look a day over fifteen.

He decided to keep to himself for a while and see if anything interesting happened. With this bunch, it was almost inevitable.

Sure enough, in very little time Orochimaru approached Kisame's new partner. Kisame remembered that Itachi's forehead protector had the Leaf sigil on it, which meant they hailed from the same village. He grinned and moved a little closer so he could hear better.

"Itachi-kun," Orochimaru greeted with a broad smile. For some reason, that expression gave Kisame a brief shiver. He was glad it wasn't directed at him. But what, exactly, was so frightening about that smile?

"Orochimaru-san," came the cool, emotionless response.

"Ah, I see you know who I am. I left Konoha some years back, and I wasn't sure you would."

"Your face is quite well-known, especially in the anbu. I saw pictures."

Anbu, huh? Well, the kid must have some talent then. Of course, to make it into Akatsuki, he must have talent. Kisame wondered what could have turned so young a kid into a missing-nin. "I'm pleased you know me," Orochimaru was saying. "I heard that, just recently, almost the entire Uchiha clan was murdered. One might wonder how you escaped, Itachi-kun."

Kisame decided he definitely didn't like the way Orochimaru kept saying "Itachi-kun." It was... creepy. And coming from him, that was bad.

"Yes, one might," Itachi replied evenly, not giving off any indication that Orochimaru's attention bothered him, nor any sign of how he'd escaped. His gaze on Orochimaru would have been challenging, except for the lack of emotion.

Orochimaru stepped even closer, getting in Itachi's personal space. His smile grew broader. "I've been interested in the Uchiha family for some time," he continued. "Such a fascinating family, and with such amazing techniques! I was deeply trouble when I heard the family was entirely killed off. I'm sure you can imagine how relieved I was when I discovered that two members of the family, you and your brother, were still alive." He took another step, now almost chest to chest with Itachi. Itachi's face still didn't register any expression, but he did take a half step back.

"I'm especially interested in the Sharingan. Judging from your impressive career, and that fact that you're here, I assume you can use it." Orochimaru reached out to place a hand on Itachi's arm, which the boy just barely managed to side-step.

"I can use the Sharingan," he confirmed warily, watching Orochimaru closely for any more moves.

Orochimaru's smile, impossibly, got wider still. It was lecherous, Kisame finally realized from his post. It was a smile that said, "You're a fine piece of meat. Let me take a bite of you," No wonder he found it creepy, and Itachi wanted to keep away from it. He wondered if, as Itachi's new partner, he should step in. It probably wouldn't help Itachi's reputation in the group, if he was seen as needing to be saved from unwanted advances by another member. On the other hand, creepy was creepy, and Kisame certainly wouldn't have wanted to deal with a pervert like Orochimaru when he was Itachi's age. Most of all, though, he had to wonder if helping out would be good for their partnership.

"Itachi-kun," Orochimaru breathed in a way that implied a certain intimacy between the two of them. "May I have the chance to inspect your Sharingan at some point?"

On the one hand, Itachi might not want help, and would resent Kisame for giving it and for making him look weak in front of the others.

"It would greatly help my own jutsu studies," Orochimaru continued.

On the other hand, it would be clear that Kisame found Orochimaru creepy too, so perhaps they could bond through shared innuendo horror.

"I would be very... appreciative... of any help." Orochimaru succeeded in getting a hand on Itachi's arm this time. "It would be worth your while, I promise," he whispered, sidling closer so that his body touched Itachi's.

Part of Kisame's mind categorized that movement as a blatant move towards seduction, and not a terribly subtle one at that. He'd used similar moves himself, once or twice. The rest of him moved forward, no longer debating whether he should step in or not. He was a decent sort, and there was no way he was watching his new partner get molested while doing nothing himself!

"Itachi-kun! Orochimaru-san!" he greeted cheerfully, and more loudly than he necessary. Orochimaru took a step back from Itachi, but didn't move his hand. "One of the pairs has already left to get to know each better, Zetsu and that other fellow, I forget his name." It was true, that pair had already left. Kisame had noticed them head off to a more private location a few minutes ago. He merely assumed it was to get to know each other better. "I thought perhaps you and I could take this opportunity to chat too, Itachi-kun." He smiled widely at both of them, doing his best to appear harmless and stupid. The first, he rarely managed, but the second he was good at. For some reason, people looked at him and simply presumed that he must be dumb, because he didn't look entirely human. And while Kisame was no genius, he was no moron either, but was appreciative towards his foes when they thus underestimated him.

Orochimaru smiled at him too, though not the "I'm sexy and I want you" smile he'd given Itachi, to Kisame's relief. "Hoshigaki Kisame, right?" he asked. "I've heard of some of your exploits in Hidden Mist. You're supposed to be quite the swordsman."

"Yup," Kisame agreed. "I was part of the Seven Swords back then. It was fun." He didn't add that his true strength was in his chakra reserves. If Orochimaru didn't know that already, no point in cluing him in now. He turned to his partner. "Itachi-kun, are you any good with a sword? We could spar together. It'd be fun."

"I have some skill," Itachi answered shortly. Whether because he wasn't very good and didn't want to admit it, because he didn't want to say much in front of Orochimaru, or because he just wasn't the sort who ever said much, Kisame wasn't sure. He wondered if his partner was the quite type; he rather hoped he wasn't otherwise he feared they wouldn't get along. Kisame liked to chat with his companions, and his enemies.

To his further dismay, at least one other person had noticed their little conversation and was headed over. It was Sasori, Orochimaru's partner, and Kisame was sure he'd seen him come to Itachi's aid. He good clearly envision Itachi getting mocked and hating Kisame for it. Worse, Sasori was followed by Deidara, whom Kisame had already labeled as a trouble-maker. He heaved a mental sigh; Akatsuki had started out as such a good prospect but it was going downhill already.

"Yo, Orochimaru!" Sasori greeted. He threw an arm companionably around Orochimaru's shoulders. Kisame wondered if the Sand ninja hadn't seen Orochimaru's creepiness earlier, or if he wasn't bothered by it. "I lucked out, getting one of the three legendary ninja as my partner. I look forward to working with you."

Orochimaru smiled back at him, not quite as seductively as he had at Itachi, but there was still interest there. Orochimaru must like pretty young men and boys, Kisame decided. Although how that discluded him from attention he wasn't sure. Not that he was complaining, of course.

"I look forward to working with you too, Sasori-kun," Orochimaru purred in response.

Deidara, who had been watching all this, frowned. "Master, I'd hoped that _we_ would be partners," he said.

Sasori shrugged. "It happens," he said philosophically. He added, "And don't call me master."

"But your work with puppets is so beautiful, and refined, un!" Deidara protested. "I want to learn from you and compare techniques with you, un!"

"Maybe we can compare notes sometime in between missions," Sasori suggested, placating. "My own art is still in progress and I hope to further refine it soon." He gave Orochimaru a look that clearly showed he hadn't missed Orochimaru's earlier creepiness and, in fact, wanted a part in it. Kisame shuddered; he was surrounded by perverts!

"Very well," Deidara agreed, if somewhat reluctantly. "But I'll be looking forward to talking with you, master! Bye for now, un!" He gave a friendly and hopeful waved before heading off.

"I think he's younger than he looks," Sasori muttered. Then he turned back to the other three with a cruel glint in his eyes when he came to Itachi. "You don't like my new partner?" he asked him with a sneer. "It's too bad you can't take care of yourself without help from your partner."

"It wasn't like that--" Kisame began.

"I can take care of myself," Itachi spoke over him. "I don't need anyone's help." His tone was colder than before, but his face was still devoid of any feeling.

Orochimaru gave him a smoldering look. "Of course you don't need help, Itachi-kun," he agreed smoothly. "You're very independent and powerful." His hand snaked out and started rubbing up and down Itachi's arm.

For the first time, Itachi scowled. "Get your hand off me."

Orochimaru stepped even closer and let his hand brush Itachi's cheek. "Make me," he hissed.

"Hey, we shouldn't fight," Kisame said into their midst. "We're all in the same organization and all..." He trailed off, since none of the other three were listening to him. He glanced at Itachi's face and decided, just to be on the safe side, to take a few steps back.

"Very well," Itachi breathed, cold as ice. He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, they were spinning red. He whispered a technique name that Kisame couldn't quite make out. He met Orochimaru's eyes with his own. For one brief second, Orochimaru stared back, entrapped. Then Itachi blinked and Orochimaru drew in a sharp gasp before collapsing on the ground.

Sasori, whose arm had still been around Orochimaru's shoulder, got pulled down with him. He stared at his partner. "Hey! What's wrong with you?" Orochimaru slumped further. His eyes were glazed, dull. He bent down and examined him more closely. To both Kisame and Sasori's surprise, Orochimaru was unconscious. Kisame whistled softly, impressed. Most techniques that did that sort of damage that quickly were loud and obvious. This had been something fast, silent, and subtle. It was also something, he knew without any doubt, that he didn't ever want to be on the receiving end of.

"I went easy on him," Itachi stated flatly. "He should regain consciousness within a month." He turned and walked away, the remaining Akatsuki members getting out of his way. Kisame hesitated only the briefest of moments before following him.

When he got outside, he stopped beneath a tree, leaning back against it. Kisame joined him, waiting a bit before he said anything. "What was that you did to him?" he asked after a while.

"Tsukuyomi," Itachi replied. "It allows me to control time and space within a person's mind, and torture them mentally."

Kisame shivered, at both the technique and Itachi's calm about it. "Are you angry that I tried to help you?" he asked.

Itachi considered for a moment. "No. I don't like having to do that if I don't have to. It would have been nice if you had driven him away."

Kisame found himself smiling. Maybe being partnered with Itachi wouldn't be so bad after all. He thought they might get along. "Well, you just leave all the annoying pervert to me from now on. I'll chase them all away. After all, we wouldn't want you exhausting yourself with your Tsukuyomi, Itachi-san." If nothing else, the technique had been enough to convince Kisame to treat Itachi like an adult and not the kid he still was.

Itachi's lips turned up ever so slightly, in what must be his version of a smile. "That'd be nice," he murmured. "Thanks." He didn't seem to mind that Kisame had guessed his technique's weakness.

"No problem," Kisame shrugged cheerfully. "I think we're going to make a good pair, Itachi-san. I'm looking forward to it."

Itachi looked at him for the first time. "Me too, partner."

* * *

No random deaths in this chapter. Oh well, I think I made up for it with Mind Fuck no Jutsu. Be assured that future chapters will up the death count. 


	4. Adventures in Optometry!

**Kisame and Itachi's Semi-Excellent Adventures**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Join Shark-chan and Weasel-chan in their random, humorous, bloody, and occasionally sexy adventures as they try to cope on the measly salaries provided by Akatsuki.  
**Disclaimer:** I'll get to that sexy part eventually, since I'm not Kishimoto.  
**Extra Notes:** In this chapter, we discover one original character who can't be killed. Dedicated to the Blind Itachi FanClub.

* * *

**Part 4:** Adventures in Optometry! He ain't blind yet, but it's only a matter of time. 

Itachi opened the scroll. He frowned slightly and held it farther from his face. He frown deepened minutely and he squinted at the scroll. Before long, he had the scroll as from as he could hold it from himself and even then was still squinting. He was on the verge of activating his Sharingan.

Kisame, watching, frowned, worried. "Itachi-san, is something wrong?" he asked. It occurred to him that he hadn't seen Itachi read anything in some time, maybe as long as a year. Itachi didn't answer him. "Are you having trouble reading the scroll?" Kisame persisted. When Itachi still didn't respond, he walked over and looked at the scroll over his partner's shoulder. It print wasn't particularly small or messy. It very easy to read, but Itachi was still squinting.

Kisame realized what the problem was and made a decision. "Next town we come to, Itachi-san, you need to see an optometrist." Itachi turned his face up to him, his scowl widening slightly. "No complaints," Kisame insisted. "You don't want to become a blind ninja, do you?" Itachi looked away back to the scroll. He was, Kisame thought, pouting ever so slightly.

* * *

They reached a large town two days later. Kisame carefully evaluated the town as they entered, and decided it was large enough that it should have an optometrist. A man stood at lazy guard of the gates –proof that this was not a ninja village, since shinobi were never lax about security. Kisame hailed him, "Sir? Could you help direct us? Do you know if there's an optometrist in town?" 

The guard frowned at him, his eyes finding the slashed forehead protectors that both ninja wore. "If there's a what?" he asked insolently.

"An optometrist." Kisame paused. "An eye doctor."

"I wouldn't know," the man said. Which was an obvious lie, since he was wearing glasses.

"Please," Kisame said, trying to be patient. "We're not here to cause any trouble, and we don't want to waste time wandering around looking for one."

"I ain't telling any missing-nin scum anything," the man spat.

"Really? Perhaps I can change your mind." Kisame drew a handful of shuriken. Some ten minutes, later he had obtained directions to an optometrist. The directions were a bit vague, granted, but they should be enough to get close and then they might be able to find the place on their own. He was very understanding about the fact that the directions were a bit vague, which was why this town wouldn't need to look into getting a new guard. The current one might just need a few months in the hospital and then a few years of therapy.

He never found out if the directions were good. As they were walking, they just happened to pass a building advertising optometry services. Kisame shrugged; what the hell, one optometrist was as good as another. They entered, and Kisame noted that Itachi seemed to be pouting again, not that anyone other than he would be able to tell. A very attractive young lady was sitting at the front desk. Kisame sauntered up to her, putting on his best shit-eating grin. "Hello, miss," he greeted her. "My friend here needs to see--" he quickly glanced at the sign above the secretary's head "--Tanaka-sensei."

The secretary ruffled through a few of her papers. "When's your appointment?" she asked. She blew a bubble of gum and then snapped it in front of his face.

Kisame missed a beat, then replied, "We don't have an appointment. But it's very important that we see Tanaka-sensei, and we can pay well." That was a blatant lie. "If you can fit us in, I'll make it worth your while." He winked suggestively.

The secretary looked him over, her lips forming into a sneer. Kisame wondered in despair why so many people looked at him like that. "Yeah, right," she sneered. "If you haven't got an appointment, get lost. Or make an appointment; the next opening in three weeks from now." She tapped a pen on a schedule on her desk.

"We can't afford to just hang around here for three weeks," Kisame argued with a frown. "We need to see a doctor now."

"Well, that's just too bad. There are people waiting who do have appointments." The secretary pointed at a few people seated on uncomfortable chairs in the lobby, reading magazines that were at least two months old. Kisame considered the people for a moment, then drew his samehada. Mere seconds later, he had decisive proof that the office's air filter system worked beautifully; he could hardly smell a thing and he was right next to the body! He worried that the doctor might charge more to cover the stains on the chair and carpet.

In shirt order, the doctor himself came out. "Who's next?" he asked the waiting room.

Kisame stood up. "We are," he announced. He gave the other people are pointed look. "Right?" No one objected, so they got to go next. When they reached a smaller room in the back, Kisame pushed Itachi forward. "My friend needs his eyes checked," he told the doctor. "He squints when he reads."

Tanaka-sensei turned to Itachi patiently. "You're having trouble reading?" he asked. Itachi gave Kisame a brief glare but nodded to the question. The doctor walked up the the chart of letters on the wall. "Can you read this for me?"

Itachi squinted. "E," he began with confidence. Those charts always started with E. He squinted harder, the next letter was fuzzy.

"It's tsu," Kisame called out helpfully.

The doctor turned to him with a flinty look. "Your friend here is being examined, not you," he said. "You're not helping."

Kisame took a step back in surprise. "I'm sorry, sensei. I'll be good." He sat in a chair in the corner and folded his hands in his lap, acting like a good little boy. The examination continued for some time, with the doctor pulling out all sorts of devices to help him determine Itachi's problem. It was close to a half hour before he made his conclusion.

"You need reading glasses, young man," he told Itachi. "You're far-sighted. That means you can see things just fine at a distance but have trouble with things that are closer. It's probably why you didn't have problems during a fight." The doctor, clearly, had also noticed that they were missing-nins. The doctor continued, "Your prescription will be ready in an hour. While you wait, the nurse can help you pick out a pair of frames that you like." He swept from the room.

The selection of frames the nurse showed them was impressive. Kisame had never paid much attention to glasses before, and found the variety intriguing. He picked up a sharp pair that was dark with red highlights and put them on Itachi. He considered. "Oh, I think these suit you perfectly, Itachi-san!"

Itachi glanced at him then at his own reflection in a mirror. He was still upset. "Don't pout," Kisame scolded him. "Sensei said the glasses were just for reading. You don't have to wear them all the time. And I think you look good with them on. Like, older and wiser and more sophisticated and smarter..."

"I don't look smart without them?" Itachi asked drily.

Kisame blinked. "I didn't mean that! You look smart_er_ with glasses, not smart." Itachi settled down after that. He tried on a few more pairs, but eventually went with the pair that Kisame liked. When Tanaka-sensei finally came back with the new lenses in the frames, he was frowning.

"My secretary is dead," he stated.

Kisame did not look even remotely guilty. "She had this thing for appointments, which we didn't have," he said. "Does this mean the glasses will cost more?"

"No," Tanaka-sensei said, to his surprise. "She wasn't covered by any insurance or union, so it won't cost me anything. And she was due for a raise soon even though she didn't deserve it. However," and now the look he turned on the two of them was flinty, "if you come back and cause more trouble, I will not stand for it."

"How will you keep us from causing trouble?" Kisame asked, curious. "We're pretty powerful ninjas, and someone like you couldn't stop us."

Tanaka crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm the only optometrist in this village, and perhaps in the whole country, who accents missing ninjas as patients. If you want help in the future, you won't cause problems."

Kisame gapped at him. This was, quite possibly, the first person he'd ever met that he couldn't kill. "We'll be good, sensei," Itachi promised quietly. Kisame nodded silently, and they got out of that place as quickly as possible after paying their bill. If the optometrist could pull something like that, there was no telling what else he might manage!

* * *

OC's dead in this chapter: 1, plus one tortured.  
Total dead OC's: 4 

Notes from previous chapter: someone stated in a review that Tsukuyomi only lasts up to 72 hours, not longer. Yes, it is true that that is how long the technique can be held for, how long Itachi can manipulate time and space. However, the repercussions of the technique can last longer. Recall that Kakashi and Sasuke were in comas for at least a month afterwards.

Next time, Adventures in Home Cooking, in which we get to meet the Hoshigaki family!


End file.
